You may Be a Viêtnam Vet if ...
your first aerobics class was a mandatory P.T.
formation.
you spent breaks in the front-leaning-rest position.
your Daily Dozen had nothing to do with trading jive
banter.
you know that cheap indigenous sandals lasted longer and
out-performed combat-boots.
your ergonomic jogging trainers were combat-boots.
you think forced-marches were good training for chic
marathons.
your designer work-out togs were color-coordinated
olive-drab.
your first miracle fabric was coated-duck mended by
100mph tape.
your networking had more to do with cargo than with
commo.
your first portable boom-box radio was the
AN/PRC-25.
you know that concertina wire wasn't a metal music-box
accordion.
you know that a two-step snake wasn't an early form of
line-dancing.
you know that a Bouncing-Betty wasn't an energetic dance
partner.
you know that a dance-card was an abridged mission
schedule.
your pep-rally pennant for serious sports was the unit's
guidon.
you know that intestinal fortitude isn't a health-food
supplement.
you know that fruit salad on a uniform doesn't signify
sloppy eating.
your first junk-food was contraband pogy-bait.
you cooked your meals with C-4 plastic explosive.
your first government-approved diet plan was
cold C-rations.
you know that S.O.S. is not a rescue call.
you know that a double-apron and punji stakes
aren't related to cooking.
you know that a cook-off round wasn't a chef's
contest.
you know that a barbecue pit full of hot coals wasn't a
firebase.
you know that butter-bar and shake-n-bake have
nothing to do with food.
your beer ration was more useful as a commodity than as
a consumable.
your first gastronomic adventure was nuoc-mam sauce.
you know that the kitchen police did not investigate
food crimes.
you know that a messhall was very different from a
refectory or restaurant.
you think all restaurants should decorate with sandbags,
steel-mesh, and grenade-sumps.
your inspection haircut ever included a shaved
forehead.
you thought a spit-shine was literally unsanitary ...
until you learned how.
you discovered that drill and ceremonies was more than
pomp and pretense.
you know the difference between ranks and
files.
you know the difference between echelon,
oblique, and flank.
you know that route-step is the military command for
out of step.
you know that the command to dress right isn't a
sartorial injunction.
your first occasion to wear formal attire was a
parade.
you recognize headgear, from caps to
covers, as part of military theatrics.
you know that a head-shrinker is a type of hat that
keeps professionals modest.
you made a fashion statement or political comment with your
flak-jacket.
you know that a gig-line isn't an off-course
trajectory.
you know that military tan isn't a color, but a sunburn
pattern around your uniform.
your personal collection of fungi and other crud is called
jungle-rot.
your first custom-made personalized jewelry was
dog-tags.
you know that F.O.B. has nothing to do with lading
freight.
you know that the military invented one size fits
all.
you believe that midnight requisition was a
revolutionary act of liberation.
you beat the low-bid supply system by shopping on the
Black Market.
your home-folks thought going overseas was a good chance to shop
cheap.
you know that a short-sheet was standard supply
issue.
you ever gave a blanket party to the barrack's
tap-dancer.
you know that nonjudicial punishment kept your record
clean, and reputation intact.
you know that an Article 15 wasn't an anthologized
short-story.
you know that delinquent jawbone wasn't an unpaid
war-story account.
you discovered that leeches come in two-legged and
multi-legged varieties.
you know that going A.W.O.L. could put you behind walls
permanently.
you wondered if a section eight was related to an
8-ball.
you ever brought an M72 L.A.W. to trial
and got inconsistent justice.
you know a blooper has nothing to do with silly
mistakes.
you know that a Bangalore torpedo wasn't a hero
sandwich.
you know that a toe-popper wasn't a variety of
popcorn.
you know that Dust Off wasn't a miraculous cleaning
solvent.
you know that the Jolly Green Giant wasn't marketing
vegetables.
you know that an air-burst has nothing to do with
comical farts.
you thought that cordite was the military version of
air-freshener.
you know that F.U.B.A.R. is a multiplied magnitude of
S.N.A.F.U..
you know that F.U.B.B. is a compound gradient of
T.A.R.F.U..
you know that no OPLAN ever survived contact with the
enemy.
you know that military intelligence is a contradiction
in terms.
you know that a frag-report is what the military called
half-true gossip.
you know that the Five O'Clock Follies were like a
vaudeville show.
you know that S.A.L.U.T.E. was also an acronym used as a
tactical mnemonic.
you know that a C&C was a flying Command
Post.
you know the difference between a C.P. and a tepee.
you know the difference between a T.O.C. and a
T.O.&E..
you know the difference between password and
countersign.
you know that password isn't a low-tech message
method.
you know that the company runner needed to be both an
athlete and a diplomat.
you believe that the chain of command exists to blame
the messenger.
you know that a rainmaker cannot control the
monsoons.
you know that an efficiency report was official
fiction.
you know that a bayonet-sheet was a lethal type of
evaluation.
you know that a shit list was a permanent Duty
Roster.
you know that camouflage cannot conceal a
brown-noser.
you know that even the goat gets saluted.
you know that a swagger-stick isn't a magic wand or a
regal scepter.
you've ever secured an L.Z. so a brass-hat
could safely boost morale.
you know that a mortar has nothing to do with spices or
cement.
you know that a real Jungle Expert
doesn't use a machete.
you know that a Daisy-Cutter wasn't a weed-whacker or
farm tool.
you know that C.B.U.s weren't early computer
processors.
you know that microwave and infrared radiation
has more uses than cooking.
you know that a M.A.R.S. phone-call wasn't an
extraterrestrial com-link.
you thought that the U.S.O. was a type of U.F.O. from
the Twilight Zone.
you know that turrets and cupolas have more
uses than on Victorian houses.
you know that foxholes usually developed into
bunkers.
you know that spider-holes often connected to
tunnel networks.
you know that hasty-positions were often called
shallow graves.
you know the perimeter kept you in, as much as it kept
the enemy out.
you know why barbed-wire has been called
devil's-rope.
you know that both a fuse and a fuze have
explosive potential.
you know that det-cord is faster than a
speeding bullet.
you know that napalm and foo-gas are just the
latest version of Greek Fire.
you know that a molotov cocktail has nothing to do with
adult beverages.
you know that P.S.P. kept vehicles from being mired in
viscid monsoon mud.
you know that BUFF was much more than a color.
you know an Arc Light wasn't a special bulb or lamp.
you know that Rolling Thunder was more than an
electrical storm.
you know that Linebacker was more than a football
maneuver.
you know that tallyho wasn't an aristocratic expression
of snobbish blue-bloods.
you know that bingo wasn't a number-matching game played
for prizes.
you know that the fly boys go home to roost on their
bird farm.
you know that a B.D.A. collects evidence on converted
true-believers.
you've ever fervently prayed for tac-air.
you know that a sky-pilot was a soldier in the
God squad.
you know that a skyhook wasn't intended to catch falling
angels.
you know that a fire team neither ignites or
extinguishes bonfires.
your rules for noise and light discipline were enforced
by the enemy.
you know that a four-deuce wasn't a winning poker
hand.
you know that the point man wasn't a gambling
accountant.
you know that the slack man is the unit's navigator and
pacesetter.
you know that the drag man doesn't haul garbage.
you know the difference between a hike and a patrol.
you learned to make your R.O.N. position a relocation
fall-back.
you know that a pen flare isn't a felt-tipped Flair
pen.
you know that a parachute flare has nothing to do with
fashion or talent outbursts.
you know the difference between a joss-stick and a
pugil-stick.
you know that rust isn't the spirit of the
bayonet.
you know that preventive maintenance was a form of
make-work.
you realized that piasters were worth less than
barter.
you know that M.P.C. was legitimate funny
money.
you know that tracers aren't indebtedness or insolvency
agents.
you know that incoming isn't about the entry of
visitors.
you know that lock-and-load is in the wrong order.
you know that friendly fire
isn't!
you know that a mad minute has nothing to do with
special shopping frenzies.
you know that a Drop Zone wasn't the designated fumble
area.
you know a Landing Zone and Pick-up Zone
shouldn't be the same, but often must be.
you know that even an exfil has an order of
march.
you know that a hot-extraction has nothing to do with
dentistry.
your A.O. is where everyone thinks you are located.
your P.O.C. is where you really are ...
and maybe reinforcements can find you.
you know that a back-azimuth will get you permanently
lost.
you know that a land line wasn't a navigational contour
bearing.
you know that your Final Protective Line was not a
rappelling belay.
you know a Malayan Gate has nothing to do with
ornamental doors.
you know the difference between V.C., N.L.F.,
N.V.A., and P.A.V.N..
you know the difference between an R.P.D. and an
R.P.G..
you know the difference between .45ACP, C-46,
AK-47, and M-48.
you know that Puff The Magic Dragon wasn't an imaginary
beast.
you know that Spooky wasn't a cartoon character.
you know a chopper was neither a motorcycle nor kitchen
ware.
you know a slick wasn't a grease spot or oily
residue.
you know an air assault flare is how a
helo suddenly brakes.
you know that pull pitch wasn't about tar removal, roof
angles, or musical keys.
you know a claymore wasn't an old Scottish sword.
you know that a slit-trench wasn't a fortification.
you know there isn't enough time to dig a cat-hole when
you've got the trots.
you know that fire-in-the-hole doesn't describe
diarrhea.
you know that a hang-fire has nothing to do with
constipation.
you know an artillery fan has nothing to do with cooling
air.
you know the difference between repeat and
say-again.
you know the difference between roger and
wilco.
you know the difference between over and
out.
you know the difference between squawk and
squelch.
you know that a call-sign wasn't a talking
guide-post.
you know that the designated actual was the real
thing.
you know the difference between a twix and a
sitrep.
you know the difference between rifles and
guns.
you know that a bolo was the cut-off for
disqualification.
you know that sniper calculations produce dividends
greater than the sum of its parts.
you learned to save half of your night-vision by closing
one eye during probes.
you know the starlight scope has nothing to do with
astronomy.
you know that an ammo dump wasn't where used and
defective munitions are discarded.
you know a 30-round magazine wasn't a heavily recycled
periodical.
you know that a CONEX container wasn't used for
sanitary-napkins.
you know that a booby-trap wasn't a trick brassiere.
you know that a short-shot wasn't evidence of sexual
inadequacy.
you know that a short-arm inspection wasn't conducted by
the armorer.
you know the cadence of Jody calls wasn't a
Dear John sequence.
you know that a fast-mover wasn't a lecherous swinger or
ardent womanizer.
you know that Willie-Peter wasn't sexual innuendo.
you have ever used condoms ... as a weather-barrier.
you know that a P.O.W.-snatch mission wasn't a red-light
district incursion.
you know that K.I.S.S. wasn't a romantic strategy.
you believe that troops infected with incurable clap are still
held incommunicado as M.I.A..
you ever practiced horizontal drill with
camp-followers.
you believe that hookers were patriotic
camp-followers.
you know that doughnut dollies weren't playmates made of
flour.
you know that an Observation Post wasn't voyeuristic
surveillance.
you know that number-one boom-boom wasn't an After
Action Report.
you know a gong has nothing to do with amateur talent
shows.
you know that a motor-mouth isn't as tough as he
pretends.
you know that P.O.V. is how the government refers to
personal transportation.
your first All Terrain Vehicle was either an A.P.C. or
helicopter.
you know that a military gas-station was a P.O.L.
depot.
you know the difference between a lister-bag and a
blivet.
you were too poor to pay attention, and too tense to
stand at-ease.
you thought parade rest was a kind of brace.
you know that mill-around was an unofficial
cluster formation.
you know that a mark-time formation has nothing to do
with clock-watching.
you know that a date/time group wasn't used to designate
time-on-target.
you know that stand-down isn't an order to sit or
recline.
stand-to for dawn operations always
began at 0001 hours!
you know that a 24-hour zulu clock ignores time-zone
intervals.
you know that a military tattoo is more than
skin-art.
your first work-whistle and punch-clock was a bugle
call.
your earliest career goal was three hots and a flop.
you've had several billets that reminded you of cut logs
and steel barstock.
you know that a draft is much more than an annoying
breeze.
you know that a Re-Up was reminiscent of an upchuck.
you know that a military hitch was like an arranged
marriage without a honeymoon.
you know that a R.I.F. was more than a disagreeable
separation.
your boss's first name was his rank.
you know that a top-kick isn't the best dancer in a
dazzling chorus-line show.
you recognize a mustang as a horse of a different
color.
you thought 90-Day Wonders graduated from Organized
Chicken Shit.
you know that a cao boy cannot ride herd on a
lone-wolf maverick.
you know that a sheep-dipped hot-dogger
usually acts like a loose cannon.
you know that a Wobbley is an expert technician without
command authority.
you were grateful for the recycled experience of an old
dogface retread.
your Platoon Sergeant typified the quip: Your mother
wears combat boots!
you knew that some lifers were homesteading
their secure assignments.
your pinning promotion almost left you
maimed ... but happy.
you discovered that leadership wasn't a popularity
contest.
the salute respected the rank and position,
more than the person.
you know that gung-ho means alot more than just being
strac.
you know that a footlocker wasn't a storage trunk for
spare boots and shoes.
you never saved any money with the FREE mail
franking privilege.
you know that the R.E.M.F.s made resupply and
mail-call happen.
you know that ghosting meant being present for no
accountable duty.
you know that sandbagging had nothing to do with
battlements or revetments.
you know that T.D.Y. felt just like an authentic
P.C.S., but without the credit.
you know the only mission that grunts have ever
gotten is bootstrap.
you know that a F.A.C. and F.O. were also on
the front-line with you.
you know the dirty work of E.O.D. and Combat
Engineers matches the grunts.
you understood different strokes for different
folks as M.O.S. cross-training.
you know that White Mice were the host
constabulary.
you know that boonie-rats aren't field-tested
experimental animals.
you know that a Class One resupply and Zulu
Report are more useful than a Form One.
you know the difference between getting wasted and
zapped.
you know that a humorless straight-arrow was often an
early casualty.
your first delusional hallucination was caused by sleep
deprivation.
you know that steel-pot wasn't a type of
bullet-proof psychotropic.
you know that a Free Fire Zone wasn't the designated
smoking area.
your job was much more hazardous than smoking
... and tobacco was free.
your job never got a warning-label from the
Surgeon General.
you ever made propitiatory sacrifices for the well-being of your
medic.
you ever used your mosquito net to collect specimen
biota for medical science.
you thought the mosquito was the war's principal
combatant.
your first blood bath was the result of
leeches.
you thought urban renewal was an operational
objective.
you know that hazardous duty pay was always
inadequate.
you know that Agent Orange wasn't a garish or
clandestine talent scout.
you know that a litter detail wasn't assigned to make
more trash and debris.
you think the ecology movement truly began on
Search-and-Destroy field-trips.
you know the difference between an excursion and an
incursion.
you reverse your cap only for a target reticle
sight-picture.
you sat-on, washed-in, cooked-in, dug-with, and wore your
one-size-fits-all helmet.
you know the difference between a hunker and a
squat.
you know that a rice-burner was an energetic
straw-hat.
you can recognize the subtle differences between
gooks, dinks, and
slopes.
your first foreign language was Mil-Speak.
you were at risk of losing your native language to
pidgin.
you learned that the locals could make be nice
mean many different things.
you know the phrase sorry about that really
means tough shit.
you know that a shit magnet attracted bad
joss and evil karma.
your first virtual-reality theme park wasn't a fun
daydream.
you know that the Rules of Engagement were a
surrealistic farce.
you know that Pacification didn't persuade any
hearts and minds.
you know that tunnel rats were hybridized excavators and
spelunkers.
you realized that underground counterculture had
a sinister new meaning.
you discovered that rock'n'roll could be
belt-fed.
you know that Mission Impossible was much more
than a TV show.
you know that yesterday is always easier
than tomorrow.
your R & R was more exhausting than humping the
ruck.
your reputation as a short-timer implied more than your
D.E.R.O.S. date.
you know that free love wasn't any
freer than any other unearned
Freedom.
you believe that Return To Base was one of the most
beautiful phrases on earth.
you thought We Gotta Get Outta This Place was
the new national anthem.
you thought the Freedom Bird was as mythical as
the Phoenix ... until you boarded.
you know that Escape and Evasion is how most citizens
deal with moral conflicts.
you know that stacked-arms is politics as usual.
you were left disarmed on the home-front after
leaving the combat zone.
your distinctive team jacket shows a combat patch and
badges.
For a complete explanation of any item, consult
the nearest Viêtnam veteran.
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