You may Be a Viêtnam Vet if ...
your first aerobics class was a mandatory P.T.
you spent breaks in the front-leaning-rest position.
your Daily Dozen had nothing to do with trading jive
you know that cheap indigenous sandals lasted longer and
your ergonomic jogging trainers were combat-boots.
you think forced-marches were good training for chic
your designer work-out togs were color-coordinated
your first miracle fabric was coated-duck mended by
your networking had more to do with cargo than with
your first portable boom-box radio was the
you know that concertina wire wasn't a metal music-box
you know that a two-step snake wasn't an early form of
you know that a Bouncing-Betty wasn't an energetic dance
you know that a dance-card was an abridged mission
your pep-rally pennant for serious sports was the unit's
you know that intestinal fortitude isn't a health-food
you know that fruit salad on a uniform doesn't signify
your first junk-food was contraband pogy-bait.
you cooked your meals with C-4 plastic explosive.
your first government-approved diet plan was
you know that S.O.S. is not a rescue call.
you know that a double-apron and punji stakes
aren't related to cooking.
you know that a cook-off round wasn't a chef's
you know that a barbecue pit full of hot coals wasn't a
you know that butter-bar and shake-n-bake have
nothing to do with food.
your beer ration was more useful as a commodity than as
your first gastronomic adventure was nuoc-mam sauce.
you know that the kitchen police did not investigate
you know that a messhall was very different from a
refectory or restaurant.
you think all restaurants should decorate with sandbags,
steel-mesh, and grenade-sumps.
your inspection haircut ever included a shaved
you thought a spit-shine was literally unsanitary ...
until you learned how.
you discovered that drill and ceremonies was more than
pomp and pretense.
you know the difference between ranks and
you know the difference between echelon,
oblique, and flank.
you know that route-step is the military command for
out of step.
you know that the command to dress right isn't a
your first occasion to wear formal attire was a
you recognize headgear, from caps to
covers, as part of military theatrics.
you know that a head-shrinker is a type of hat that
keeps professionals modest.
you made a fashion statement or political comment with your
you know that a gig-line isn't an off-course
you know that military tan isn't a color, but a sunburn
pattern around your uniform.
your personal collection of fungi and other crud is called
your first custom-made personalized jewelry was
you know that F.O.B. has nothing to do with lading
you know that the military invented one size fits
you believe that midnight requisition was a
revolutionary act of liberation.
you beat the low-bid supply system by shopping on the
your home-folks thought going overseas was a good chance to shop
you know that a short-sheet was standard supply
you ever gave a blanket party to the barrack's
you know that nonjudicial punishment kept your record
clean, and reputation intact.
you know that an Article 15 wasn't an anthologized
you know that delinquent jawbone wasn't an unpaid
you discovered that leeches come in two-legged and
you know that going A.W.O.L. could put you behind walls
you wondered if a section eight was related to an
you ever brought an M72 L.A.W. to trial
and got inconsistent justice.
you know a blooper has nothing to do with silly
you know that a Bangalore torpedo wasn't a hero
you know that a toe-popper wasn't a variety of
you know that Dust Off wasn't a miraculous cleaning
you know that the Jolly Green Giant wasn't marketing
you know that an air-burst has nothing to do with
you thought that cordite was the military version of
you know that F.U.B.A.R. is a multiplied magnitude of
you know that F.U.B.B. is a compound gradient of
you know that no OPLAN ever survived contact with the
you know that military intelligence is a contradiction
you know that a frag-report is what the military called
you know that the Five O'Clock Follies were like a
you know that S.A.L.U.T.E. was also an acronym used as a
you know that a C&C was a flying Command
you know the difference between a C.P. and a tepee.
you know the difference between a T.O.C. and a
you know the difference between password and
you know that password isn't a low-tech message
you know that the company runner needed to be both an
athlete and a diplomat.
you believe that the chain of command exists to blame
you know that a rainmaker cannot control the
you know that an efficiency report was official
you know that a bayonet-sheet was a lethal type of
you know that a shit list was a permanent Duty
you know that camouflage cannot conceal a
you know that even the goat gets saluted.
you know that a swagger-stick isn't a magic wand or a
you've ever secured an L.Z. so a brass-hat
could safely boost morale.
you know that a mortar has nothing to do with spices or
you know that a real Jungle Expert
doesn't use a machete.
you know that a Daisy-Cutter wasn't a weed-whacker or
you know that C.B.U.s weren't early computer
you know that microwave and infrared radiation
has more uses than cooking.
you know that a M.A.R.S. phone-call wasn't an
you thought that the U.S.O. was a type of U.F.O. from
the Twilight Zone.
you know that turrets and cupolas have more
uses than on Victorian houses.
you know that foxholes usually developed into
you know that spider-holes often connected to
you know that hasty-positions were often called
you know the perimeter kept you in, as much as it kept
the enemy out.
you know why barbed-wire has been called
you know that both a fuse and a fuze have
you know that det-cord is faster than a
you know that napalm and foo-gas are just the
latest version of Greek Fire.
you know that a molotov cocktail has nothing to do with
you know that P.S.P. kept vehicles from being mired in
viscid monsoon mud.
you know that BUFF was much more than a color.
you know an Arc Light wasn't a special bulb or lamp.
you know that Rolling Thunder was more than an
you know that Linebacker was more than a football
you know that tallyho wasn't an aristocratic expression
of snobbish blue-bloods.
you know that bingo wasn't a number-matching game played
you know that the fly boys go home to roost on their
you know that a B.D.A. collects evidence on converted
you've ever fervently prayed for tac-air.
you know that a sky-pilot was a soldier in the
you know that a skyhook wasn't intended to catch falling
you know that a fire team neither ignites or
your rules for noise and light discipline were enforced
by the enemy.
you know that a four-deuce wasn't a winning poker
you know that the point man wasn't a gambling
you know that the slack man is the unit's navigator and
you know that the drag man doesn't haul garbage.
you know the difference between a hike and a patrol.
you learned to make your R.O.N. position a relocation
you know that a pen flare isn't a felt-tipped Flair
you know that a parachute flare has nothing to do with
fashion or talent outbursts.
you know the difference between a joss-stick and a
you know that rust isn't the spirit of the
you know that preventive maintenance was a form of
you realized that piasters were worth less than
you know that M.P.C. was legitimate funny
you know that tracers aren't indebtedness or insolvency
you know that incoming isn't about the entry of
you know that lock-and-load is in the wrong order.
you know that friendly fire
you know that a mad minute has nothing to do with
special shopping frenzies.
you know that a Drop Zone wasn't the designated fumble
you know a Landing Zone and Pick-up Zone
shouldn't be the same, but often must be.
you know that even an exfil has an order of
you know that a hot-extraction has nothing to do with
your A.O. is where everyone thinks you are located.
your P.O.C. is where you really are ...
and maybe reinforcements can find you.
you know that a back-azimuth will get you permanently
you know that a land line wasn't a navigational contour
you know that your Final Protective Line was not a
you know a Malayan Gate has nothing to do with
you know the difference between V.C., N.L.F.,
N.V.A., and P.A.V.N..
you know the difference between an R.P.D. and an
you know the difference between .45ACP, C-46,
AK-47, and M-48.
you know that Puff The Magic Dragon wasn't an imaginary
you know that Spooky wasn't a cartoon character.
you know a chopper was neither a motorcycle nor kitchen
you know a slick wasn't a grease spot or oily
you know an air assault flare is how a
helo suddenly brakes.
you know that pull pitch wasn't about tar removal, roof
angles, or musical keys.
you know a claymore wasn't an old Scottish sword.
you know that a slit-trench wasn't a fortification.
you know there isn't enough time to dig a cat-hole when
you've got the trots.
you know that fire-in-the-hole doesn't describe
you know that a hang-fire has nothing to do with
you know an artillery fan has nothing to do with cooling
you know the difference between repeat and
you know the difference between roger and
you know the difference between over and
you know the difference between squawk and
you know that a call-sign wasn't a talking
you know that the designated actual was the real
you know the difference between a twix and a
you know the difference between rifles and
you know that a bolo was the cut-off for
you know that sniper calculations produce dividends
greater than the sum of its parts.
you learned to save half of your night-vision by closing
one eye during probes.
you know the starlight scope has nothing to do with
you know that an ammo dump wasn't where used and
defective munitions are discarded.
you know a 30-round magazine wasn't a heavily recycled
you know that a CONEX container wasn't used for
you know that a booby-trap wasn't a trick brassiere.
you know that a short-shot wasn't evidence of sexual
you know that a short-arm inspection wasn't conducted by
you know the cadence of Jody calls wasn't a
Dear John sequence.
you know that a fast-mover wasn't a lecherous swinger or
you know that Willie-Peter wasn't sexual innuendo.
you have ever used condoms ... as a weather-barrier.
you know that a P.O.W.-snatch mission wasn't a red-light
you know that K.I.S.S. wasn't a romantic strategy.
you believe that troops infected with incurable clap are still
held incommunicado as M.I.A..
you ever practiced horizontal drill with
you believe that hookers were patriotic
you know that doughnut dollies weren't playmates made of
you know that an Observation Post wasn't voyeuristic
you know that number-one boom-boom wasn't an After
you know a gong has nothing to do with amateur talent
you know that a motor-mouth isn't as tough as he
you know that P.O.V. is how the government refers to
your first All Terrain Vehicle was either an A.P.C. or
you know that a military gas-station was a P.O.L.
you know the difference between a lister-bag and a
you were too poor to pay attention, and too tense to
you thought parade rest was a kind of brace.
you know that mill-around was an unofficial
you know that a mark-time formation has nothing to do
you know that a date/time group wasn't used to designate
you know that stand-down isn't an order to sit or
stand-to for dawn operations always
began at 0001 hours!
you know that a 24-hour zulu clock ignores time-zone
you know that a military tattoo is more than
your first work-whistle and punch-clock was a bugle
your earliest career goal was three hots and a flop.
you've had several billets that reminded you of cut logs
and steel barstock.
you know that a draft is much more than an annoying
you know that a Re-Up was reminiscent of an upchuck.
you know that a military hitch was like an arranged
marriage without a honeymoon.
you know that a R.I.F. was more than a disagreeable
your boss's first name was his rank.
you know that a top-kick isn't the best dancer in a
dazzling chorus-line show.
you recognize a mustang as a horse of a different
you thought 90-Day Wonders graduated from Organized
you know that a cao boy cannot ride herd on a
you know that a sheep-dipped hot-dogger
usually acts like a loose cannon.
you know that a Wobbley is an expert technician without
you were grateful for the recycled experience of an old
your Platoon Sergeant typified the quip: Your mother
wears combat boots!
you knew that some lifers were homesteading
their secure assignments.
your pinning promotion almost left you
maimed ... but happy.
you discovered that leadership wasn't a popularity
the salute respected the rank and position,
more than the person.
you know that gung-ho means alot more than just being
you know that a footlocker wasn't a storage trunk for
spare boots and shoes.
you never saved any money with the FREE mail
you know that the R.E.M.F.s made resupply and
you know that ghosting meant being present for no
you know that sandbagging had nothing to do with
battlements or revetments.
you know that T.D.Y. felt just like an authentic
P.C.S., but without the credit.
you know the only mission that grunts have ever
gotten is bootstrap.
you know that a F.A.C. and F.O. were also on
the front-line with you.
you know the dirty work of E.O.D. and Combat
Engineers matches the grunts.
you understood different strokes for different
folks as M.O.S. cross-training.
you know that White Mice were the host
you know that boonie-rats aren't field-tested
you know that a Class One resupply and Zulu
Report are more useful than a Form One.
you know the difference between getting wasted and
you know that a humorless straight-arrow was often an
your first delusional hallucination was caused by sleep
you know that steel-pot wasn't a type of
you know that a Free Fire Zone wasn't the designated
your job was much more hazardous than smoking
... and tobacco was free.
your job never got a warning-label from the
you ever made propitiatory sacrifices for the well-being of your
you ever used your mosquito net to collect specimen
biota for medical science.
you thought the mosquito was the war's principal
your first blood bath was the result of
you thought urban renewal was an operational
you know that hazardous duty pay was always
you know that Agent Orange wasn't a garish or
clandestine talent scout.
you know that a litter detail wasn't assigned to make
more trash and debris.
you think the ecology movement truly began on
you know the difference between an excursion and an
you reverse your cap only for a target reticle
you sat-on, washed-in, cooked-in, dug-with, and wore your
you know the difference between a hunker and a
you know that a rice-burner was an energetic
you can recognize the subtle differences between
gooks, dinks, and
your first foreign language was Mil-Speak.
you were at risk of losing your native language to
you learned that the locals could make be nice
mean many different things.
you know the phrase sorry about that really
means tough shit.
you know that a shit magnet attracted bad
joss and evil karma.
your first virtual-reality theme park wasn't a fun
you know that the Rules of Engagement were a
you know that Pacification didn't persuade any
hearts and minds.
you know that tunnel rats were hybridized excavators and
you realized that underground counterculture had
a sinister new meaning.
you discovered that rock'n'roll could be
you know that Mission Impossible was much more
than a TV show.
you know that yesterday is always easier
your R & R was more exhausting than humping the
your reputation as a short-timer implied more than your
you know that free love wasn't any
freer than any other unearned
you believe that Return To Base was one of the most
beautiful phrases on earth.
you thought We Gotta Get Outta This Place was
the new national anthem.
you thought the Freedom Bird was as mythical as
the Phoenix ... until you boarded.
you know that Escape and Evasion is how most citizens
deal with moral conflicts.
you know that stacked-arms is politics as usual.
you were left disarmed on the home-front after
leaving the combat zone.
your distinctive team jacket shows a combat patch and
For a complete explanation of any item, consult
the nearest Viêtnam veteran.