The Speech That the President Didn't Deliver
During the 2006 Midterm Elections, but Probably Should Have
My Fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war,
our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all
American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within
thirty days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of
countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict.
This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria,
Australia, Japan, and Poland are some of the countries listed
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of
the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be
distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start the reckoning by saying that U.S. foreign aid to all
those nations on List Two ceases immediately and indefinitely.
The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay
the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third
and fourth world Hellholes and watch those government leaders
grow fat on corruption. Like our patience, our charity is
limited, and reserved for our friends.
If your pipsqueak nation needs help with a flood, or a famine, or
an epidemic, or another anti-American rally ... well, if you can
get your phones to work, call France. Or maybe Germany will sell
you some aid. And if your impoverished country can't afford it,
then maybe you can borrow money from each other ... but with your
repayment record, don't hold your breath.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect
the money we will save, on no longer having to buy overseas
friendships, toward solving the vexing social problems we still
have at home.
On that note, a brief word to terrorist organizations: mess with
us, and we will hunt you down, and eliminate you and all
your friends from the face of the earth. If you make trouble in
our backyard, then we'll take out your backyard! If you're
thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize, then try France, or
maybe China. And if you don't respect our borders, then we won't
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with
France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades.
We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
Since that great American philanthropist Andrew Carnegie paid for
the Peace Palace in The Hague, and the U.S. taxpayer has endured
all the expense and inconvenience of the UN, I am canceling their
lease effective immediately. The UN can bunk in with those other
wimps at The Hague and World Court on land that's sinking into
the sea. It's time for somebody else to deal with the traffic
jams and stupid shenanigans of the UN diplomats, who abuse our
freedoms without having any like them at home. I have instructed
the mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic
vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking
tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped and
crushed. I don't care about the fine print in whatever treaty
pertains to this. There are enough unpaid parking tickets to
finance the repair of every street in town! If you don't pay
those tickets tomorrow, then watch your precious Benzes, and
Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops
in the world ... they sure won't be going to The Hague with you.
I love New York!
A special note to our nearest neighbors. Canada is on List Two.
Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you
folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List Two. The entire cabinet of corrupt
government leaders really needs an attitude adjustment.
As a result of the withdrawal from Iraq, I will have a couple of
extra armor and infantry divisions sitting around, needing some
practice for the next time we need them to defend us ... so guess
where I am going to put them? Yep, border security. And hot
pursuit might be authorized to chase your third rate militia
all the way back to the capital.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty
... starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway.
Free trade does not mean at no expense. There are
consequences to biting the hand that feeds you.
We will begin to drill for oil in Alaska and other areas as soon
as possible. This will take care of America's oil consumption
needs for decades while we continue to work on alternative energy
sources. If you are an environmentalist who's fanatically opposed
to this self-sufficiency endeavor, then I refer you to List Two
... pick a country and move there. Maybe they care more than we
do, but I doubt it. Let us know if we can help you pack your
bags, sell your house, or arrange a visa. I love this wild and
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own
citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer
them by saying, "yer darn tootin'!"
Nearly a century of trying to help folks around the world live a
decent life has only earned us the undying enmity of just about
everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in
America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is
time to eliminate discrimination and dissension in America. It is
time to eliminate escargot and croissant, clogs and chadors, t'ai
chi ch'uan and World Cup soccer in America.
To the nations on List One, a final thought: THANK
you guys. We owe you, and we won't forget.
To the nations on List Two, a final thought: you might want to
learn to speak Arabic. We won't forget what you did either. It
won't be long now, and you'll deserve every bit of it. There
really is Truth and Justice.
God bless America. Thank you and good night.