Chicken Crossing RBIs and Staff Study

Army Command-Specific Responses
to the Subject and its Actuation



Subject:

Chicken Crossing the Road

Issue:

The presenting problems for resolution are how and why do chickens cross roads?




TRAINING AND DOCTRINE COMMAND (TRADOC):

The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer.



SPECIAL OPERATIONS COMMAND (SOCOM):

The chicken crossed at a ninety (90) degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at night using NVGs, preferably near a road bend in a valley, after preliminary surveillance monitoring, to establish probable feasibility, based on indigenous usage.



ARMY PERSONNEL COMMAND (PERSCOM):

Due to the needs of the Army, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a three-year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotions.



DEFENSE INTELLIGENCE AGENCY (DIA):

Despite what you saw on CNN, I can neither confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit. Questions? Please see the SSO.



OPTEC:

This event will need confirmation. We need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they might cross thruways designated by some as roads.'



AVIATION BOARD:

The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken's 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may update currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road.



TRAFFIC CONTROLLER:

The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road-incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.



UNITED STATES TRANSPORTATION COMMAND (USTRANSCOM):

We need the road-crossing elapsed or interval time, and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing to assess scheduling and coordination objectives.



FORCES COMMAND (FORSCOM):

The purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken remained under the OPCON of USCINCTRANS and did not CHOP to the theater on the other side of the road. Without CHOPPING the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near perfect, real-time in-transit visibility.



ARMY MATERIEL COMMAND (AMC):

Recent changes in technology, coupled with today's multipolar strategic environment, have created new challenges in the chicken's ability to cross the road. The chicken was also faced with significant challenges to create and develop core competencies required for this new environment. AMC's Chicken Systems Program Office (CSPO), in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model(PIM) CSPO helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. The CSPO convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analyst and retired chickens along with MITRE consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge and capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry trans-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, mission-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified Mission Need Statement and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. The Chicken Systems Program Office helped the chicken change to continue meeting its mission. The complete text of this report was audited by Colonel Sanders (KFC).



COMMAND POST (CP):

What chicken?




Appendix:

A staff study on the motivation and implementation of chickens crossing roads.




Douglas Adams:

Forty-two.



Aesop:

Because the grass is always greener on the other side.



Aristotle:

To fulfill its road-crossing destiny, while manifesting the Golden Mean.



Hal Borland:

The chicken crossed the road to prove to the possum that it could be done.



Pat Buchanan:

To steal a job from a decent, hard-working, family-oriented, patriotic American.



Siddhattha Gautama Buddha:

If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.



William Jefferson "Slick Willy" Clinton:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by Chicken? Could you define what you mean by chicken for me please?



Howard Cosell:

It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement, formerly relegated to homo sapient pedestrians, is truly a remarkable occurrence.



Salvador Dali:

The Fish.



Charles Robert Darwin:

It was the logical next step, after coming down from the trees, to evolve road crossing selectivity.



Jacques Derrida:

Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is dead, dammit, dead!



Emily Elizabeth Dickinson:

Because it could not stop for death.



Albert Einstein:

Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.



Ralph Waldo Emerson:

It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.



Epicurus:

For fun.



Louis Farrakhan:

The 'road', you see, represents the Black Man's destiny, while the 'chicken' symbolizes degenerated White oppression, and the 'crossing' interrupts the True People's Quest, in order to trample them and keep them down.



Sigmund Freud:

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.



Betty Friedan (Naomi Goldstein):

To escape the rooster's lust, the farmer's lechery, the barnyard dog's lewdness, and the lascivious cooptation of the other abused chickens.



Bill Gates:

I have just released the new "MS-ChicKan 2000", with amazing iconographics and even more user-friendly features, such as egg laying module, easy egg copier, egg fund calculator, feed tracking manager, and much more! "MS-Chicken Explorer" is an inextricable chicken coop combo, including road-crossing plotter, global positioning locator, and inter-chicken hyperlink.



Johann Wolfgang von Goethe:

The eternal hen-principle made it do it.



Grandpa:

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.



Germaine Greer:

In a courageous act of liberation, expressive of her inner-rooster and manifesting the potential of her chick-ness, and without compromising the biological mandate of her henhood, she proudly defies cultural norms by crossing over.



Ernest Miller Hemingway:

To die. Alone in the rain. With a vision of the eternal sun across the endless road.



Werner Karl Heisenberg:

We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.



Hippocrates:

Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.



David Hume:

Out of custom and habit.



Saddam Hussein:

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping fifty tons of nerve gas on it.



Carl Gustav Jung:

The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this universal juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.



Kindergarten Teacher:

To get to the other side.



Martin Luther King Jr:

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.



Captain James T. Kirk:

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.



Timothy Leary:

Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.



Niccol di Bernardo Machiavelli:

So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road; but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.



Karl Heinrich Marx:

It was an historical inevitability.



Moses:

And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road.", and lo', the chicken did cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.



Fox Mulder:

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?



Carry Nation (Amelia Moore):

To track down more dissolute and degenerate roosters and smite them in their dark sanctuaries!



Jack Nicholson:

'Cause it [censored] wanted to! That's [censored] reason enough. Okay, [censored]?



Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche:

Because if you gaze across the Road too long, then the Road also gazes across you.



Richard Milhous Nixon:

The chicken did not cross the road, I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road ... and the Silent Majority agrees with me.



Oliver North:

National security was at stake.



The Oracle of Apollo at Delphi:

I can't tell you ... it's a secret! ... but I can tell you that it's a really bad omen.



Plato:

For the greater good.



Pyrrho the Skeptic:

What road?



Ronald Wilson Reagan:

I forget.



Sacajawea:

To act as a pathfinder and interpreter for the grouse, quail, turkey, and pigeons to follow.



Colonel Sanders:

You mean I missed one?



Sappho of Lesbos:

To search for the ideal pullet, innocent and pure.



Jean-Paul Sartre:

In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.



Michael Schumacher:

It was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross it.



Jerry Seinfeld:

Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing just walking around all over the place, anyway?".



William Tecumseh Sherman:

The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.



Doctor Seuss:

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!



B.F. (Burrhus Frederic) Skinner:

Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium roam birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.



The Egyptian Sphinx:

You tell me.



The Greek Sphinx:

You BETTER tell me, or else!.



Oliver Stone:

The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?", rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?".



John Sununu:

The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.



Henry David Thoreau:

To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.



Thomas de Torquemada:

Give me a few minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.



Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens):

The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.



Ludwig Josef Johann Wittgenstein:

The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and dynamic circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.



Zygote Consulting:

Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Zygote Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Zygote helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Zygote Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with those Zygote consultants who have deep skills in the transportation industry, to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. Zygote Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.



For the Commander:
/s/C. Little Pullet, WO4(AG)



Cockal deWalk, LG(grade AA)
Commanding, Cackle Corps