this directive (or something similar) was purportedly circulated
to all commands during Operation Enduring Freedom
Operation Enduring Freedom
To: All Commands|
Subj: Audible Flatus
- All commanders shall promulgate the substance of this
directive to their subordinates upon receipt.
- It has come to the attention of this command that the
indigenous peoples of the Near East, especially our Afghani
allies, are morally offended by the abuse of their hospitality by
the impolite practice of breaking wind within the
hearing of these noble tribesmen by some rude and gross Americans
... a cultural transgression so repulsive that it is punished by
beheading among devout Islamists! Although this ancient
civilization formerly ate with only one hand, reserving the other
for wiping away elimination, and previously bathed in urine, they
find the audible flatus of foreigners to be an insult to their
sophisticated lifestyle and a criticism of their magnificent
cuisine. Furthermore, they find American informality regarding
this natural process, especially the crude slang and juvenile
antics surrounding such episodes, to compound the offense by a
bemused disregard of the seriousness of this insult.
- Under the protections of the Status of Forces Agreement that
has been negotiated, this command will henceforth prohibit
audible flatus by all subject members whenever with or nearby
indigenous persons, military and civilian, who may be
inadvertantly offended. Failure to comply with this prohibition
shall result in the administration of an Article 15 non-judicial
punishment for conduct unbecoming a servicemember ... unless
passing gas is so explosively loud and nauseatingly
putrid as to create a dead zone similar to ground
zero, which may then result in a Summary Court Martial.
Officers are expected to set an appropriate example of
self-control and restraint. The medical staff has pharmaceuticals
for the treatment of excess flatus or native diarrhea, since, as
a command policy, constipation is to be preferred to its
alternatives. This prohibition against audible flatus, like other
forms of self-discipline (eg: silence in ranks), is a routine
part of military comportment.
- Enforcement of these terms and conditions is effective upon
receipt of this directive; and the interpretation of alleged
violations shall be under the jurisdiction of Civil Affairs (S-5)
personnel, reinforced by the local constabulary.
- The reputation of the United States for service and
sacrifice is dependent upon compliance with this directive.
Although Special Forces personnel have been trained to covertly
sneak out their intestinal gas so that its source cannot be
positively identified, perhaps attributed to nearby camel or
sheep, women or children, plausible deniability for
everyone is paramount for sustaining good international
- This command shall take proper notice of those who suffer
hemorrhoids, diverticulitis, or ruptured intestines for
the cause, and those persons who have gone above and
beyond the call of duty by heroic suppression will be
recognized by appropriate awards and decorations. Guidelines for
sucking it up will be distributed in a later
- All commands are directed to counsel affected personnel, and
to implement sensitivity training wherever necessary.
By order of the commander.|
For the commander.
MAJ Ringo Snuffler, AG
LTG Corky Stifler, OEFCOM CG