M E M O R A N D U M
From: Father Flex
To: Monsignor Curt
Via: tight beam
The reduction of the savages here has proceeded along classical
lines. Earth's native population, after recovering from its shock
at our appearance, greeted us with an awed relief – because
its two warrior tribes, China and America, had, as it happened,
worked themselves up to a frenzy just before our advent, and were
on the verge of a war of annihilation.
But once it was clear to this violent little world that our
mission was peaceful, and that our custom diet would double any
Earthling's lifespan, organized resistance quickly faded. Even
the customary face-saving political speeches – which we
have, of course, not prohibited – have grown infrequent.
Monsignor, ninety percent of the native
population has accepted the Holy Quintet, all praise to the
Blessed Geometer. And much of the credit for this amazing
conversion rate must be given to Brother Tu Pezlox, who was the
first to hit upon the concept of incorporation.
Most of the savages in the western tribe, called
America, honored (in name only) a primitive trinity.
Pezlox's idea, although superficially blasphemous, to my mind
further glorifies the Quintet by identifying the three entities
the Americans ostensibly worshipped with a subset of our five.
This was done, needless to say, in accordance with their capacity
to understand. And once they at last comprehended our Holy
Witness, they flocked to the Geometer in satisfying numbers.
So why then can we not claim a complete success? ... especially
since all other Missions in our Vega group must contend with a
much larger pagan population? The reason is that the unbelievers
here are concentrated in one sector, namely, the
Achafalaya Basin in Louisiana, a southern parish.
To this bleak expanse have flocked the scum of the Earth: Cajuns,
criminals, Pentecostals, feminists and other sexual mosaics
– imbeciles all, even by human standards. These savages
emerge from the amber swamps with makeshift weapons, work their
violence, and then sink again into the methane to swim away like
eels. How could they have guessed what their wisest leaders could
not? ... that the energy required to destroy their holy shrines
– Las Vegas and Shanghai – has exhausted our
reserves, and that at this distance we are now very nearly their
Completely fearless now, these madmen kill
everything – both sexes, children or
infants, game or pets, human or not – even bugs! They pull
down our temples and throw the rubble into the marsh. They
consume our dwellings with fire, plow under the crops we have
generously introduced for their benefit, and pour salt upon the
loam. And when they have nothing holy left to destroy, they kill
Scores of our most devout friars – on whom be peace –
have been martyred by the Basin barbarians. Only one has
survived – a monk, who, from all reports, has always been
worthy and unswerving. But here, Your Holiness, the record
becomes truly amazing. As implausible as it sounds – and I
have this on good authority – this excellent brother has
gone native. He has forsaken the music of the
spheres for the violent din of the savages. He has pierced and
patterned his flesh. He prefers now spirits to ambrosia. And most
deplorably, he has forsaken his own mortified harem to compete
for the attention of a single, filthy human squaw.
Nothing in the Procedures for Native Reduction has
prepared us for this shattering abomination. Even Brother Pezlox,
upon whom I have come so much to depend, is clueless.
It was during times such as these that the ancient poet sang,
"Why do the heathen rage and imagine a vain thing?"
(Ps 2:1 KJV)